Childhood Dreams

When I was a young girl I had this picture of how my life would be as an adult in my upper twenties after college. I imagined a life for myself much like the one I grew up in…living with a husband and kids in a small community surrounded by church friends and just enjoying life. At the time I was convinced that I would have a great big group of friends that came over for game nights and summer BBQs and that I would be married to a man I met in college. Funny how wrong those childhood dreams/visions can be. It’s also funny how those things we called our dreams can become the things we associate ourselves with least. I’m sure for some their childhood dreams match up almost identically with their actual lives but for me it couldn’t be further from reality. I’ve found that as I’ve progressed in life (and I will admit it’s still a very young life with who know what in store in the future) I’ve been molded into this person that I’m actually quite suprised with at times. I didn’t evision myself as a single (divorced) 28 year old with no husband (or relationship) who is unable to bear children. Not to mention the fact that I only have what I consider 6 close friends (people who I share everything with…no holds barred)and of those 6…2 are my parents, 2 my father’s parents.

As a teenager and in my young twenties I actually was an expert at putting on a ‘mask’ for others to see and I was known as this bubbly outgoing girl who was the life of the party…literally at times. I think deep inside I had always felt like a bit of an outcast from my peers because I knew I was wired differently but I was too scared to let anyone see it for fear of being judged and I was willing to do whatever I could to make sure other people (and even myself at times) didn’t see me for what I really was. And if I’m honest I must admit there are even days now where I wish I didn’t feel so odd and different from the people my age because it’s a lonely place to be when you just don’t quite fit in…with strangers, peers, coworkers, or even family. I’ve also learned to embrace that God made me this way for His own reasons and I must learn to be thankful and not ashamed of my differences. I have grown a tremendous amount in the last few years and for the most part I am so thankful that I break the mold of what society says is normal…but other times it would be nice to just “fit in” like I used to.

I didn’t really have a point in writing this post other than to get some things out of my head. Maybe it’s because for some reason today I’m sad that part of those dreams I had as a child didn’t turn out the way I thought they would. 99 percent of the time I don’t get sad or angry that I can’t have children but some days I guess something triggers it and it actually makes my heart physically ache. I have more going on in my head then I could ever get out so I just spit things out as they come to me. It’s hard admitting to myself that I am sad about some of those things since I also find joy in the life God has blessed me with…no matter how different from my own version He made it.

Trying to Make Sense of Nonsense

So I still can’t seem to come to a decision on just what I want this blog to be about. I tend to be indecisive about things in life on occasion (anything from picking a place to eat, what book to read, love life [eeek], groceries, etc. is fair game). I am convinced that a lot of my indecisiveness stems from the fact that my brain is a wee bit overactive so it literally jumps all over the place in the span of a few seconds. I’m not talking the normal kind of overactive but moreso the I can’t seem to slow things down up there so I will just do as much as I possibly can until my head explodes but I don’t need sleep because my brain is going 5000 mph while I’m trying to focus on a philosophy book and watch a movie and cook all at the same time type thing…and I do believe it has come close at times (this is mania by the way…which I clinically have but more on that fun subject at another time).  And speaking about indecisiveness…I could open up a can of worms on this when it comes to my “love life” …or lack there of. I must admit I have had some interesting, fun, and even some insanely creepy chapters (stalkers, men who want to feed mashed potatoes to me with their fingers) in that part of my life. I frustrate myself horribly with my nonsensical relational issues when it comes to a significant other. I want to be alone but I also want to have someone around to experience life’s joys and sorrows with…makes perfect sense, right? Another problem…my best friends have always been male (with 1 exception). No matter what anyone says that makes it VERY difficult to be in most relationaships. And on top of that I’m not all lovey dovey…I’m just not, period. The other problem is that those best friends of mine tend to be good looking and this does not help matters at all. Why can’t there be this person out there who isn’t intimidated by this, and who likes to read and talk ideas but who also likes to be outside or watching football or spending time with my family…basically a Jord (jock-nerd)?  I have no idea what I’m saying right now to be honest I’m just letting my brain ramble…this could be dangerous

Well here goes with the randomness that I warned of…I don’t even want to be talking about my love life, so why am I? Maybe because it frustrates me so, which makes no sense because I am perfectly happy in life doing my own thing (at least for the moment). I must admit that none of my thoughts or feelings ever stay permanently (courtesy of the Brilliant Madness).

I think I’m done for the day…maybe I’m bothered with my odd lack of love life since it’s close to the holidays and I see all these cute couples everywhere. Sometimes I wish I were one of them…then about 30 minutes after that I’m glad I’m not. Maybe the right guy just hasn’t shown up yet and made me want to be in Crazy Stupid Love…and apparently the one I’ve been around for 13 years isn’t it…or is he? I think it gets even more complicated when that person is your very best friend in the world.

I mean if things worked with us it would be this epic love store…literally! A movie could be made. But having said that I’m convinced that some love stories aren’t epic films, some are short stories…but that doesn’t make them any less filled with love.

Wow…never put that in writing before but I still believe it. Maybe there is an epic story out there for me…but my gut tells me I haven’t found it yet (and while that is exciting, part of the truth behind it breaks my heart in a million pieces…and would break someone elses as well).

Off to the (randomness) Races!

So I set this account up in 2006 and nothing ever came from it so I have determined that after 5 years I should probably go ahead and get started….A lot has happened in my life over the last 5 years and looking back over it now I am thankfull for the rollercoaster ride I’ve been on. I willl attempt to discuss some of that rollercoaster ride in the days to come as well as a random assortment of whatever strikes my fancy.

If you are looking for something that is always politically correct or that doesn’t make you uncomfortable at times then this blog isn’t for you. I don’t fit the mold for what most people consider “normal” so here is to a blog of randomness!